Why my mom and I rarely say ‘I love you’

Saying these words is easier done than said, for an Asian anyway.

My mother is a tough woman. By that, I mean literally and figuratively. She’s been a working mom my whole life, therefore instilling the importance of women working outside the home in a time when women were expected inside the home. She’s retired now, and spends her days in the presence of God, trips to the grocery store, and my home. She gives my kids money for their birthdays and Vietnamese holidays, such as Tet. And every once in awhile — a hug and a kiss.

This behavior is by far the opposite of what I experienced growing up. As a child of the nineties in Vietnam, I was part of a traditional Vietnamese family, where respect for elders, hard work and dedication in school as well as faith were by virtue, a demonstration of love and required of every child. We simply didn’t show our love by kissing or hugging each other, and we definitely did not say, “I love you” very often. Even saying “thank you” on a regular basis were uncommon.

It’s no surprise then that my mom fell into the category of the unaffectionate. She has never been one for showing affection. The closest I ever felt to her showing love for me was through her actions. She worked hard so that we could have food on the table and clothes on our bodies, but growing up, as a daughter, I yearned for love. Like most humans who crave social connections, I longed for her to hug me, kiss me, and touch me in a loving, tender way…