What works for one might not work for another
In parenting, being flexible is perhaps the best thing you can do
Lately, I’ve decided on one thing–that there is too much literature on how to be a parent. You’d think that with the age group most primed to be having kids right now (millennials) are having less kids and having them later in life that there would be less articles, blog posts and books on parenting, but I see them all the time! Perhaps it’s because I’m a parent that I tend to gravitate towards the stuff related to parenting (with all the newsletters I subscribe to relating to family, wellness and parenting, I might be as you say “slightly obsessed”) but I also feel like it travels with me wherever I go.
If you’re a parent you know what I mean. You have friends, colleagues and neighbors telling you this and that about kids, and then you have the media telling you this is what kids / having a family should look like. Then you have other media such as social media proclaiming the wonderful, high feelings of being a parent and not displaying the lows, which in turn tells others viewing your social media that you have a perfect life. It’s hard not to be one or the other — you’re either the one jealous of others lives with children or you’re the one boasting about your family/kids/life. Either way, you can’t win.
Anyway, what I’m getting is at is that I’ve been seeing a lot of “how to” articles. How to raise healthy kids. How to teach kids about not bullying. How to get your kids to do this and that. It’s kind of overwhelming!
For example–you might have heard the good ol’ wisdom of letting them “cry it out.” When your baby or toddler is freaking out, do you go and comfort them or do you let them tough it out? If you do the latter it’ll make you feel like the worst parent in the world, because you’re letting them suffer. But if you do the former, then you’re coddling then. Either way, you can’t win.
I can’t tell you which side I’m on or which side actually works when you’re trying to teach your baby/toddler something (like a new skill–crying their hearts out or self soothing), but I can tell you that I’ve tried both. Both options will yield similar if not successful results, but it all depends on the kid.
Take, for example–When my daughter Lily was about 2 1/2 years old, my husband I decided that she was a little bit too old to have a pacifier, so we embarked on a mission to wean her off the contraption. We decided to do it the hard way–cut it out cold turkey. So one day she had ’em, and the next day she didn’t. As one would expect, she cried and cried and cried. It was incredibly agonizing. I’m pretty sure that she must’ve cried for over an hour once, just because she didn’t have her binky. We sat there on the couch on the other side of her bedroom wall and looked at each other with a level of incredulity because 1) how can a kid cry that long? and 2) how can a kid still need that when she’s almost three?
Well, we decided to tough it out for a few more days. Fast forward several months later, she’s three years old and her brother James is born. She is no longer using the pacifier. It was incredible, and I can’t believe it worked.
Did I feel like a horrible parent? Yes, but as I’ve written about it here, sometimes they need a major push in order to accomplish something. Sometimes you just can’t string them along.
Time goes by, and now James is about six months old. I can’t remember exactly but I know he was less than a year old when he was having a terrible time sleeping at night. For whatever reason, he didn’t sleep longer than two hours. All the parenting literature says that at his age, he should’ve been sleeping for at least four hours if not more. Well, he wasn’t.
And once again, it felt like deja vu. It doesn’t feel like it was that long ago that we were trying to train our daughter to sleep with no binky…
And once again, we were back on the couch “ignoring” his cries. And feeling like horrible parents. And talking about what we should do every minute that we were awake–which was all night, due to the fact that he was crying, not sleeping, and therefore, keeping us up.
Nowadays, he sleeps like a champ.
So you see where I’m going with this right? My position on how to train your kid to sleep, eat, or whatever is necessary has a better success rate if you just let them “tough it out.” Remove the debris that’s causing them delays. Get rid of it cold turkey. Right?
Welll…like I said, it depends on the kid. With James, we did what I call “tough reality” training with regards to sleeping. But there’s one thing that we’ve been a little slow to remove so quickly, and that’s the bottle.
James takes a bottle to go to sleep. One for nap time, two for night time. It’s how it’s always been for the past two years. We’ve never really discussed how we should wean him off the bottle, even though we discussed getting him a big boy bed and potty training and all that stuff. When it comes to the bottle, we simply shrugged and said, “Whenever.”
Little did I know that we would never actually have to do it cold turkey, that he would wean himself off the bottle.
Last night I said to my husband, “I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch but…James has not been taking his bottle at all. He takes a sip and then says, “Put the bottle down,” or “Take the bottle away.” I was flabbergasted. I did not expect him to say such things, I told my husband.
Tonight he did the same thing. Which only brings to mind the realization that he is outgrowing his bottle needs.
Of course, this sounds easier than it actually is. In reality, we have employed a slower approach to weaning. For several months we have been giving him less and less each night. It wasn’t until this week that he stopped demanding for another bottle. Prior to this, he would scream, “More bottle now!” after finishing the first (diluted and small) bottle. And I’d stick to my guns. I stayed firm and tried to distract him with something else. Over time, I think it stuck.
Well, I have to give it another week or so to see if this behavior changes but I can’t tell you how immensely happy I am that we will no longer have to buy milk, heat it up to the correct temperature and give it to him to help him sleep. I love that, but I’m also scared of the possibility that he will soon stop napping. Big changes. BIG STUFF indeed.
Here’s a piece of literature you can rely on–try different things with different kids. You never know which one will work but you won’t know until you try. Whatever you do, stick to your guns. Do not waiver. It will get worse before it can get better.